Sleep? What's that?

My charming little son woke up at 12:45am again this morning. I managed to get up and bring him to our bed to feed him and fall back asleep again. The I-Man had other plans. Apparently, his body was possessed by the spirit of a crazy child because he spent the next 3 hours playing. He enjoyed kicking me, making high pitched sounds with his mouth, grabbing at me, pinching me, and sporadically eating. He thought the whole thing was quite funny. At one point he was mesmerized by the backlight of my IHome. I had to shut it off because he was laughing at it. Finally, at 3:30am, when I was counting the number of hours that I had until my alarm would go off again, I decided to put the child back in his crib. I anticipated some screaming and general distaste for being in his cold crib all by his lonesome. But if there is one thing that I have learned is to expect the unexpected with the I-Man. He didn't make a peep when I put him in the crib and he must have fallen asleep because I didn't hear from him again until 6:15 (which was not enough sleep for me, but hey, my needs don't matter, right?).

Work should be fun today.

A love/ hate relationship, at the moment

I really do love my job. It's just that, at this time, I would rather be teaching my own child than teaching other people's children. My poor students. They are so wonderful. Today, I came into the classroom and I had two students who were there early and so they just started to continue work that we had begun the day before. In other schools, the kids would have taken advantage of a teacher not being in her room to steal materials or go crazy in the coatroom. My kids sit at their seats and start to work without being told to do so. They really are great. I love what I do, thank goodness. It makes going to work a little bit easier. Tuesdays are always a tad bit easier than Mondays. It's still hard to get up in the morning and leave the I-man with someone else, but it's slightly more manageable. Wednesday will be better.

I often think about what my life would be like if I was able to stay home with the baby. Would I then resent being a stay at home mom? Would I feel like I wasn't contributing to my household? Would I not feel smart anymore? Perhaps I wouldn't feel like a professional or maybe I would question my professional standing. All of those things make me nervous, but in the end, I think that I would still be happier spending my days with my own child instead of other's children. Alas, none of these things matter because the reality of my situation is that I have to work. Good thing I like my job!

Is this all Eve's fault?

Why is it that the expectation to take care of the children falls on the woman? It does at least in my house. I ask my husband why, but he can't seem to answer me. I don't understand-- I work a FULL TIME job. So, why is it that I am also mainly responsible for caring for our son? It's funny because before we got married, we talked a lot about what our life would be like. My husband and I both agreed that we would both work and we would both share the responsibilities of our home, and when we had children, we would co-parent. My husband was clear about the fact that he didn't believe in traditional male/female roles. I thought that I was entering a partnership. Six years later, this is definitely not a partnership.

It's an unspoken expectation that ultimately, I am responsible for caring for our child. I try to talk to my husband about it, but he ignores my requests to talk about this or he denies that this is the case. It sucks.

Tonight, I call my husband and tell him that he needs to come home on time because he has to give our son a bath. You know what he tells me? He says that he is tired and can't do it tonight. TIRED! Like I am not thoroughly exhausted myself. Honestly, how does he even think that he can tell me that he is too tired to give our child a bath. Why is that acceptable? Can I say that I am too tired to breastfeed our son? Can I say that I am too tired to change his diaper? NO. Because as a parent, one has to put the needs of his/her child ahead of one's own. Right? You're probably wondering who ended up giving the babe a bath. Or maybe you don't need to ask because, of course, I was the one who gave the baby a bath.
So, my question is, why are expectations different for men and women? Does anyone else have this issue in their home? How do you tackle it? I would love to hear how other people deal with this kind of situation. Please leave a comment.

Rough start to my day

My day started at 12:45am when the I-man woke up and wanted to nurse. I slept-walked to his room and scooped him out of his crib. I have to admit that I love when I get him out of his crib and he hugs me tightly. It makes waking up in the middle of the night so much better! I brought him into our bed and nursed him. He will usually sleep through in the morning at this point, but this morning he woke up at 4 again to eat. Then he kept waking up every hour or so to eat a little more. I call these mornings breakfast buffets. He hasn't done that in months. It was like he knew that he needed to stock up on the milk and comfort for the day. Babies are so smart.

Getting up out of bed was not fun. As usual I got up a lot later than I intended. Thankfully, my sister is babysitting for the day and so I didn't need to take the little man to daycare. I left the house as sister was feeding him cereal. My heart broke as he watched me put on my coat, grab my bags, and walk out the door. Seriously, leaving him this morning was just as hard as the first day that I left him at daycare. We had way too much fun this holiday break.

Luckily for me my meeting was canceled for this morning. Good thing too because the report was not written and I was going to have to scramble to get it done before the kids started to come in. Someone was watching over me today! The kids are so sweet, they were hugging me and telling me how much they missed me. I felt a slight twinge of guilt knowing that I didn't want to be there today. I love my students, but I love my son more and I really do wish that I was home with him.

The highpoint of my morning was when I spilled my entire travel mug of coffee on my classroom floor. Great. Just what I needed. Lucky for me, one of my co-workers has a coffee machine and she makes coffee a couple of times a day. Phew! Crisis averted!

Procrastinating- Part 2

Just re-read my first post. What did I say? I bunch of stuff but nothing at the same time. So, why write my report? I'll just procrastinate a little more.

If I didn't say it before, I'll say it now. I am ABSOLUTELY in love with the I-man. I never in my life imagined the kind of love that I have for him. He is amazing. Now, let me say that when I used to hear people referring to their children as incredible or amazing or when I heard someone say that they admired their child, I just didn't get it. Now that I am a mom, I totally understand. I think my son is so incredible. Watching him learn and grow and become a little person these past 8 months has been the highlight of my life. And, let me say, I don't consider my past life very boring. I am 34 and I made damn sure that I had lots of interesting experiences before settling down with a man and popping out some babies. But now that I have him, I live my life with a different lens. Being a mama has not been all fun and games, the first few months were a challenge. However,it was all worth it. Wow! My little 8 month old is a whirlwind of fun, laughter, discovery, observation, new skills, and and new challenges. I love every minute of it.

Sunday nights are typically hard for teachers. I have been teaching for 11 years and there hasn't been a Sunday (during the school year) that has gone by when I didn't get that pit in my stomach. It starts some time around 3, when the realization that I have to work the next day sets in. I know that most people have to work on Mondays, but for teachers, Sunday afternoons and evenings are no longer yours. You have work to do. I found that now that I am a mom, the pit is worse because I have tons of work to do both for home and school. I also have a rambunctious little guy that I want to spend time with, not to mention my husband too. Most of the time, family wins out on Sunday nights which means a BAD Monday morning. And now, Mondays are quite a challenge. I find that I don't have good control of my emotions on Monday because I have spent two whole days with my baby and now I have to be apart from him again. On Mondays I am cranking, irrational, bitchy, and weepy. I cry on the way to daycare and then again for the 2 miles from daycare to work. I am distracted at work. I have less patience with my students. I am generally a mess. Tuesdays are a bit easier. By Wednesday I am in the swing of things again. I'm not happy, but I have resigned myself to the fact that I have to work. I push on through Thursday and Friday and am pleased as pie when I leave work on Friday afternoon. I live for the weekend. Weekends. . . Groceries, laundry, family events, cleaning, cooking, blah, blah, blah, blah. In between all of that stuff, I spend time taking care of and playing with the I-man. Sunday afternoon rolls around waaaay too fast and the cycle begins again. That's where I am now. Hence, this blog.

So, please feel free to comment. I'm sure that there are lots of moms out there who feel the same way that I do. Or, maybe you have a different perspective to share.

Now, on to that report. Or, is that the I-man that I hear? I have a feeling the report will be written in a hurry tomorrow morning when I get to work and should be doing five million other things. This is my life. The life of a working mama.

Procrastinating

This is my first post. I'm not quite sure what in the world I am doing. I feel like there is so much that goes into writing a blog. Do I know what I'm doing? Have I thought this through? This is so unlike me to publish my innermost thoughts for the whole world to see. Well, here goes nothing. . .

It's Sunday night at 9:24. I am in complete procrastination mode. The babe, from here on out know as the I-man, is in bed. I have been trying to "sleep train" him. Or as other people call it, "organizing sleep". Whatever you want to call it, I am trying to get my child to fall asleep on his own. I don't want to do the "cry it out" method, but it's kind of hard not to. Argh! This is not easy. Anyway, he's finally sleeping and I am sitting in my half clean kitchen trying to motivate myself to write a report for an IEP meeting that I have tomorrow morning. I have been on winter break for a week and a half and I have no desire to go to work tomorrow. I never imagined that being a working mom would be so hard. I guess that I should explain that I have an 8 month old son and was home with him from the end of April to September, when school started. I am a fourth grade teacher in a public school in Boston. Before getting pregnant, I absolutely loved my job. I still do, sort of. I love what I do-- I just hate having to do it while my little guy is at daycare with someone else. I wish I could be a teacher AND take care of the I-man, but that is not possible. Choice number two would be to just stay home with the babe, but that is not an option either. I have to do choice three-- be a working mama.

My mother was a working mom. Most of my aunts worked and had children too. As an adult, most of my friends are working mothers. Nonetheless, this is hard. I mean, really hard. I pretty much hate having to work while being a mom. How did my mother do this? I wish that I could ask, but my mother passed away five years ago. That's another blog for another day.

So, I find myself needing an outlet for my thoughts and feelings about having to work both inside and outside of the home. I have plenty of friends and family to talk to, but I feel the need to express myself in a different way. So, here it is. I'm the working mama. You may find me annoying. You may be able to relate to me, or not. In any case, this is me. Here are my ramblings. Read me or don't read me. I'll be here. Now, do I have the guts to hit "Publish post"?